I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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