He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
