No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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