brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
