Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
