Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Drake has all the answers
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
