No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
