Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You took a bar mat shot.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
