I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
