From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I would fuck him just for his dog
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
