We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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