And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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