you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize