He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The air was thick with penises
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
