apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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