I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
