Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
