WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize