theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Please don't give away my fajitas
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
