You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
