the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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