do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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