i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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