come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
