I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
