I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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