He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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