just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
