I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Welp...herpes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
