and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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