My cat gives me a boner
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
