in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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