1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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