My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
