Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She's the barista slut.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
