Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Can you bring me the toilet please
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
