I am puke
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
