There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
