Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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