Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
