just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
