I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
