I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize