why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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