I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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