I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
