I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
