alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
