problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
