I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
