oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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