Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
