I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
