Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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