How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
