Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
