So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i out mim tonsoeep
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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