He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
