oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
